Friday, 2 December 2011

Andy Carroll: I have some questions.

Yes I know all the talk of transfer flops in the past few months has centered around Fernando Torres and Edin Dzeko. Seeing as the two, with varying success, have somewhat managed to slowly get back their mojo, it’s time we took a look at the 35m pound man, Andy Carroll. The hulking Englishman was signed on January deadline day this year to much more fanfare the fellow deadline day signee Luis Suarez. Personally, I think this is the worst signing in Premiership history. Yes, it even eclipses Sheva, Torres, Juan Sebastian Veron and Chamakh. I’ll tell you why (in question form).

Reputation; why would any one pay 35m for Carroll?

 Sheva, Torres, Crespo and Veron, all cost 20-30m pounds. They cost that much because they had built reputations before their Prem arrivals. They were all considered World class at the time. Their fees were justifiable. What has Carroll ever done to warrant a 20m pound fee, let alone 35m?! And this is where British arrogance rears its ugly head: when Sheva was signed for 30m, everyone felt it an unnecessary waste of Russian oil millions. Remember Sheva was a year removed from winning the Ballon d’Or. Carroll’s signing was lauded as shrewd spending of the money, gunnered from the sale of Torres, on a son of the soil with a bright future!

 I tend to think when Liverpool got that infamous 50m; they were like a kid in candy store. They just had to spend; and I think they felt signing Suarez wouldn’t placate the fans enough (how ironic), so they figured they would sign a local lad who could share a drink (pun intended) with the common man from the Kop. Mike Ashley must have thought it was a prank call when he received the offer. I am sure the receipt included a “GOODS ONCE SOLD, ARE NOT RETURNABLE” clause.

I think this photo says it all.

Ball control; shouldn’t that come naturally to all professional footballers?

Watching this bumbling oaf try to bring the ball under his spell is just plain painful. A horse could control a football better than Andy. Hell, I have seen dogs on “The Planet’s Funniest Animals” that have better ball control. I am sure some of the goals he scores are as a result of defenders dying of laughter as he tries with several parts of his body, to control a square pass. If you think I am hating, look at Suarez’ face the next time to tries to play a one-two with Carroll; he looks as depressed as he was when he was sent off at the World Cup!

 People can berate Torres all they want but he can control the ball! End of story. One of these days, Carroll will burst the match day ball with his boots’ spikes as he attempts to bring it under his spell. After all, the less bouncy it is, the easier it is for him to command.

Why is anyone surprised?

It’s not even the surprise that baffles me; it’s more the excuses that are made for him. Even the intelligent and normally no nonsense Fabio Cappello has joined this bandwagon. He claimed, the other day, that Carroll had potential, he just needed to sort out his life aka stop drinking like a Uni student. Give me a break. When did alcohol become responsible for poor control and lack of a football brain? If alcohol did that to footballers, the likes of Ronaldinho, Edmundo and Romario would never have gotten to the lofty heights that they did. Yes, alcohol damages fitness levels. Surely, it doesn’t affect one’s ball skills.

The faith the public and King Kenny have in him is so mystifying. Anyone remember the derby between Manchester United and Liverpool a couple of weeks ago? After United equalised, Dalgish replaced Suarez with Kuyt; and wait for it…he stationed Carroll on the right wing! For lack of a better reason, I guess he was placed there to intoxicate Patrice Evra with his breath! What is it that British people see in this man that has escaped the rest of us?

Those are my questions. Someone please help me answer them.