OH DEAR! OH DEAR! ROMAN!

Football clubs hiring and hiring managers is not something strange and by and large, happens for good reason. Managers get fired for flirting with relegation, getting relegated, and in the case of the bigger clubs, failure to qualify for European football. All understandable reasons. But all these are clubs not named Chelsea Football club. By July this year, this club will have its 8^th manager in just 8 years of Russian rule. Let’s have a quick look. Shall we

Claudio Ranieri (- may 2004).

This somewhat bumbling Italian got a club flirting with perpetual mid-table mediocrity and managed to beat Liverpool to a last Champions League place for the 03/04 season. In came Moneybags and the rest is history.. The short of it, Chelsea finished 2^nd in the Prem and got to the UCL semis. The reward? The sack!

The reason; I am guessing Roman didn’t like the Italians command of the English language(or lack thereof), he also lacked that dapper, debonair quality of a one Mr. Mourinho.

Jose Mourinho (June 2004- Sept 2007)

The “Special One” got off to a flier. Two quick fires Prems, the first since 1955. He also had a couple of acrimonious knockout UCL clashes with Liverpool and Barcelona. Boohoo! Sacked!

The reason; Like a Hollywood divorce, irreconcilable differences. Or maybe Mou purported to be more special than The Special One with the roubles.

Avram Grant (Sept 07-June 08)

Took Mourinho´s team and well.... stood at the touch line. Apparently John Terry led a special committee consisting himself, Lampard and Drogba that coached the team to that fateful final in Moscow. The chairman of the “committee” kicked away “The Big Ears” as we all know. As a side note, Grant was brought in to get the best out of 30m pound misfit Andrei Schevchenko(incidentally one of the reasons for Jose’s departure). Turns out Sheva played less under Grant. This is when lights should have been going off! Sheva could be the problem! I digress. As expected, he was fired!

The reason; Seeing as Grant didn’t do much coaching, managing or even gesturing wildly for effect ( Benitez, anyone?), I am guessing he was sacked for doing a better impression of “The Undertaker” than Mark Calloway. Like the dementors in the Harry Potter series, he sucked the life and joy out of the Bridge with that scowl. There’s a lesson here, some jobs are specialized. Just because your mate says he can diagnose medical conditions because he watches House, doesn’t  make it true. There goes one friendship.

Luis Scolari (July 08-Feb 09)

Shhortest tenure for a manger under Roman. Promised to ”unlock” the chains that had shackled the team under Mourinho. (Note: No mention of Avram). Perhaps he didn’t look at the squad which was full of flat-footed, bull-dozing, efficient machines, tooled by Mourinho. All he managed to unlock was the sack that contained the axe.

The reason; This one is true. Expecting Frank Lampard, John Obi and co to indulge us with step-overs and tiki taka was a bridge too far.

Guus Hiddink (Feb 08-June 09)

Stepped in and steadied a sinking ship. Won lots of admirers. Won the FA Cup. Left to return to coaching Russia

The reason; Decided to leave with dignity. Hanging around any longer would probably have led to a sacking due to a failure to win the Community Shield the following season. And another failed friendship.

Carlo Ancelloti ( July 09-June 11)

The affable Italians won a historic double in his first season and started last season like a team possessed. Then came the epic collapse! Still CFC bounced back and ended up 2^nd in Prem( thanks largely to Monsieur Wenger). Of course he was fired by phone. A move from The K-Fed school of being classy.

The reason; Carlo couldn’t complete a sentence of English without raising one of his eyebrow so high it touched his hairline! And every third word was “moment”.

Ray Wilkins ( Honorable mention)

Considered the bridge between the eye-brow raising Italian; and the randy JT and co. The long time Assistant Manager was fired while watching a Reserves match with his boss.

The reason; He was apparently overheard saying something to the tune of “ This bloody Russian should bugger off team affairs and let the pros work. Doesn’t he have a bullet proof car to buy?” Am guessing that was the PG version.

Memo to Roman Abramovic and other moneyed owners.

1. Just because you sign the checks, doesn’t qualify you as a football manager, let alone someone who knows anything about management. Some owners don’t even know the offside rule. I suspect Stan Kroenke always wonders why Bendtner just doesn’t camp in the opposition half and wait for an easy fast break lay-up... ahem... goal.
2. Just because your personal Israeli friend reckons he’s a better coach than the one currently in you employ, doesn’t mean you should follow through and fire a proven coach to replace him the said friend. The two of you are just drunk, holidaying on a yacht; and these are just jokes.
3. And if said millionaire fires said personal Israeli friend after his hangover has cleared, other millionaire owners must desist from hiring said friend. This lackadaisical approach gets clubs relegated. After all Scott Parker’s coaching committee isn’t as good as JT. West Ham!!!!
4. Lastly, Roman you’ve employed a good fraction of the high quality coaches on the European market. Now you have Capello, Ericsson (God forbid), Mancini, Gurdiola, Spalletti and Rijkaard left.  Soon you may have to bankroll the Porto school of young, bright and headstrong managers so they loan you one every one and a half years. At least you’ll return timeously, every June the trophy cabinet is empty. Good luck.

Memo to future Chelsea managers.

1. Sign as long a contract as you can. You’ll get fired soon, but your payout will be huge. Actually your payout should be the most pertinent clause in your contract.
2. If Roman pays 30-50m pounds for a trophy franchise player past his prime, start sounding out future employers. And pack a bag!