Soccermania!: The cosmetically challenged.

Over the first half of the season, I seem to have lost my enthusiasm for European club football. Reasons vary from Chelsea's spectacular implosion, that led to the hiring of 'the fat Spanish waiter' ; AC Milan's less than stellar season whose only bright spot is Stephan El Sharawy; the dismal form of my Premier League fantasy team. etc.

I have a lot of things to rant about: Fernando Torres' fannying about; Silvio Berlusconi's steady shepherding of erstwhile giants AC Milan to mid table mediocrity; Arsene Wenger's permanent state of denial; RVP's bow legged annoyance of anyone who's not a United fan; Mancini's whining, despite having the best squad in the league; real Madrid's insistence on trying to downplay Messi's record.. So many things.. But I am in a good mood so light hearted we go. With some help from some female members of my household, I've come up with a list of some cosmetically unpleasant members of the football fraternity. here we go, in no particular order:

1. Carlos Tevez.

"Let me introduce you to my little friend"

Boss, we've seen photos of your paycheck. We know you can't do anything about your other features but surely you can get rid of that eco-system on your chin. Apparently, women only find those scars sexy if you are over 6ft tall, very dark; and married to a supermodel whom you married while she was pregnant with an Italian playboy's kid. (see musician Seal)

2. Cheick Tiote

#Kony 2012

Some of these things just write themselves. This guy looks like one those malitia men who were captured with Laurent Ggabbo when he refused to leave power in the Ivory Coast...or a member of Ugandan rebel, Joseph Kony's LRA. No wonder he gets red carded so often. It's hard to plead with the referee, with the face of an insurgent.

3. Joleon Lescott

I said this about Tevez and I can't believe I am saying this again; paycheck, scars, supermodels, come on!! Don't believe me. See, below, the difference a simple piece of headgear can make.

4. Ronaldinho

Ronaldinho; proving that Luis Suarez can actually close his mouth, since 2000. The king of the buck toothed ones. He is lucky to have been blessed with so outrageous an amount of talent on the field, that the girls are never far away despite the fact watching him dig into a burger must be a very macabre and frightening sight. Oh, and Ron, we have the technology to clean teeth now. You don't have to have ogre looking teeth all your life.

Separated at Disney Studios.

5. Demba Ba

Am sure we've all met that person who we look at and one of their features instantly, literally, jumps out of their face like an attention seeking spoilt brat. Anyway, he who has laid eyes on Kenyan presidential candidate, Eugene Wamalwa knows what I am talking. Well let's see what that feature that is on the face of our next entrant.... Guesses, anyone?